April WOW
Posted by: johnnahood on: April 17, 2009
Hey everyone. Long time no update…sorry…it’s been…well it’s been. I’ve had several inquiries into how I’ve been doing lately (shout out to Jen Ann and Morgan and Amber who’ve most recently asked) so here goes. Well as the one year anniversary of the diagnosis date has approached and past (April 11th), I have realized that while the years have seemed to have flown by since college this past year was potentially the slowest year of my life. Physically I’m doing pretty well. Back in PT (60 degrees active when I really push it) and that’s going well except for the excruitiating pain in my knee…tolerable pain in my thigh but the knee is bring me to tears and want to scream bloody murder pain. We do 6 month scans on May 6th and go in for the results May 11th…Yes I promise I will post that day to give results, I’m even putting a reminder in my phone right now. (for 6:00 PM CDT since the appt isn’t until late morning/early afternoon).
Otherwise things are. They just are. Physically, as far as I know, I don’t have cancer anymore, emotionally/psychologically this stage has been, overall, the hardest part. I mean chemo and that last hospital stay were individually worse, but at least then I felt like I was fighting something, that I had a purpose and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Now I feel a lot more discouraged than I ever did last year. I am not a pessimistic or depressed person normally, but lately it’s all I can do to put on a happy face. I have a lot of anger inside, a lot of resentment and a veritable OCEAN of frustration all boiling around. It feels like all the negative emotion is trying to gobble up the positives, which I guess is what negative emotion normally tries to do but I’ve always had enough positive to prevent that spiral. Now however…sigh.
Ok this next bit may not make sense but I’ve got to ummmm vent I guess. My whole life, I’ve always tried so hard to make sure that I live by the rule that there are at least three sides to every story (3 if there are 2 people involved, 4 if there are 3 people involved etc). Yours, Mine and the truth. We all see things and react to things on an individual basis which is very rarely more often never going to be the “reality” of the situation. And the person with whom we are interacting is going to have their own “filter” through which they view any situation. I’ve always tried my best to put myself as much as anyone can into the other person’s shoes when interacting with others. 90% of the time I would then alter my own if-it-were-only-me reaction to fit to, emcompass, offer understanding to the other person. I’ve always felt I’ve done a pretty good job of it. And I’ve always felt positive about my interactions with other people and my reactions to and with them because of this. In otherwords, the emotions I felt were generally positive ones, compassion, understanding, caring, liking, etc. In the past year I’ve focused so much on the small sphere of myself (as I type this one side of my soul is crying “DESERVEDLY” and the other side is crying “unfortuneately!”) so I don’t know if this is why but it seems now that while I still try to understand where the otherside is coming from and I still alter my reaction or interaction sometimes in accordance, about 75% of the time now I have a lot of negative reactions, i.e. anger, frustration, outrage, disbelief, uncaring in reaction to it. I find myself more quickly jumping to “I don’t care damnit” than “I understand and I want to help.” It frustrates the hell out of me. I get sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry with myself for even thinking that way and that perpetuates the cycle of negative emotions.
In the past year I feel like I’ve gone from happy to angry and purposeful to purposeless. I’ve lost relationships and every relationship has changed–98% of them negatively and part of me shouts “not your fault or problem” and the other part doesn’t shout anything…it just constantly weeps for the lost and changed relationships. I feel like the majority of people treat me like a) I’m normal again when I’m not, b) like nothing ever happened when it did c) like I’m about to break when I’m not or d) they just don’t bother to interact with me at all. And while 50% of this feeling is probably all in my head, I’m also sure that it’s actually happening the other 50% of the time. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I AM better and can physically do so much more than I could even a month or two ago. However, I still can’t drive so I have to depend on someone else for ANYTHING outside of the house. I still can’t sit for longer than about an hour without getting up and moving around. I still can’t be up and moving around for longer than about 15 minutes before I have to sit. I’m beginning to accept that 100% will never be again (and that’s not pessimism speaking, just realism…hell if I’d let him, I’m 80% sure based on Wednesday’s appointment my surgeon would actually say “you’re good…no more need for PT or to see if you can go any further because you’re further than I ever thought you could get at 60 degrees active knee movement”). But there is still so much that I CAN do…I can shower by myself now, though I still won’t if no one is home b/c it’s still really difficult and I’m fearful that the first time I tried to when no one is at home would be the time that my leg would give out on me. It’s pretty much warm weather now so I don’t have to have help for my socks anymore yay! But I can’t physically or emotionally jump back into life like nothing happened or like I’m anywhere close to where I was 13 months ago, because I’m not. So basically, physically I’m fine though I still get tired and worn out a lot faster than I ever did before cancer. But as for emotionally/psychologically? I just am, and I haven’t fully decided what to do with that fact yet.
2 Responses to "April WOW"
April 22, 2009 at 10:34 am
I am sorry you are having a rough time now but agree with “Ant Kat” that the feelings you have are perfictly normal and you have every right to feel them.
You do need to be talking about them or blog about them, otherwise the stress of trying to be “normal” will get to you.
When Tracy’s dad was sick I felt like I had to be all things to all people and after a while I couldn’t do it any more. I have a feeling that is where you are-you are trying to put on a brave front for everyone else when you may not really feel all that brave and strong. It is OK to let it out. I think blogging is a good outlet because it doesn’t have to be aimed at any one person. Just saying how you feel will help.
Years ago I read an excerpt from a book by Dr. Joyce Brothers that was about her husband dealing with cancer. She said he was so hateful to her and had changed so much that after he died she had trouble remembering the good times and could only remember the hurt. Finally she decided that he acted that way because he was no longer able to control his life and was taking it out on her, even though neither one of them realized it at the time. I saw this happen with my dad and again with Clyde. Both of them changed for the worse as they got sicker and less able to deal with things.
I would guess that the changes in relationships you have with your family is a reaction by all of you to the uncertainty and fear you have all been feeling. The ways people react to you may be because they don’t know how you want them to react. They may be afraid to acknowledge your illness because they may think it will make you feel bad to talk about it, or, it makes they feel bad to talk about it. They “are” afraid you will break! Since they have all these issues they ignore you.
I think about you a lot and am glad to see a new post. I didn’t mean to write a book but hope some of this helps a little. I pary for you.
johnnahood
Kara
April 21, 2009 at 10:42 am
I’m thinking it’s very normal what you’re feeling after what you’ve been thru and are still going thru. Find someone to talk to about this whether a professional counselor (your dr. can recommend one) or a real good friend. Blogging about your feelings at least gets them out and is an option if you can’t use a professional for whatever reason. But don’t beat yourself up over feelings that you have. If you have those feelings, then they are real and important.
I love you!